Life is Continuously Changing

   I cannot tell if it's because I'm getting older, or the kids are growing up around me.  But everything is in motioin.  Now they are young adults, or into their full adulthood already, I should say, and it's very confusing about roles.  I find it hard to fit everything into an explanation, just like many others seem to know how to do too well.  Things make sense but keep on beating at me.  I feel like I am constantly running to keep up with things that I really don't know how I got in my life.  I don't want to be living on the edge, but I'm forced into it in a continuum.  Things are not the way I expected them to be at all.  I am so glad that my eldest son graduated from school and is continuing with his education.  He will surely be a productive individual, although I have no idea in what yet.   But life seems to go on.  Some of us go down fighting, while others have given up long ago.  Some can fight through all the muck that is put in their way.  I wish I was consistent on that level.  But somehow I have not been a good asserter and relinquish rights that I should be taking onto others.  I wasn't always feeling this way, but people have a way around your feelings and know how to break you down piece by piece.  It doesn't seem to work for everyone, as everyone operates on a different plane. But seeing a lot of old friends on facebook is confusing and uncomfortable for me.  I feel like I don't measure up.  It's not fair and it's a daunting process. They seem to know how to ride the tides of life, while I feel like I'm continuing to suffer here with no end in sight.
   It's hard to say goodbye to someone whether it be for good or temporarily.  Whatever it is, it's all very difficult. I also can't picture the way people get away with things and meanwhile mow down others in order to achieve their agenda.  It hasn't been one of the things that works for me.  No, I would like to see things change, but every organization which I have tried to get involved with recently has made it a bunch of hot air.  I find that they are not so much facilitating change as feeding people things they think they want to hear.  Well I think we're more than ripe for some large changes to be made, but I continually feel that I'm left in the lurch, without ever really meeting up with my needs for things to work out.  I love when people tell you it will all work out in the long run.  They just don't want to get their hands dirty enough to work on things now.  If not now, then when?  I find myself lost in the fray of uncontrollable downturns.  Keeping up a life that is not feeling like I'm getting anywhere, at least not where I need or want to be.  Still looking for that thing, that step that will take me to the next level, and put me out of this incapacitating condition.